Monday, December 28, 2009

Terrible, Terrible News









Earlier today, I received some rather troubling news. I am not a man to cry easily, for I am Strong and Proud, and yet when I heard this piece of news I wept- I wept like a little baby after being jabbed in the belly with a pointy stick. My heart is broken. My dreams are ashes.

Apparently there are people out there, strange and unsettling and disturbed people, who are actually sitting down at their computers and READING THIS BLOG. In fact, if my source is correct, at least ONE of them is doing that RIGHT NOW.

I know you’re out there. I can feel you.

Why is this happening? Surely you must understand that I hate this. I have done everything I possibly can to convince you of this fact. And yet you persist in torturing me.

Don’t you understand? The more people that read this, the more successful it becomes. The more successful it becomes, the more I’ll have to write it. It is a circle, and it is a vicious one, and you are only adding to my misery. I hope this makes you HAPPY, you evil, evil people.

And comments! Some of you even have the audacity to leave comments! Do you want to know a secret? Do you?

Every time you comment on this blog, an angel loses its wings. You have been warned.

I refuse to tell you about my Christmas. You are not getting one ounce of information out of me. Not one. Apart from a complaint about the quality of my presents this year.

I knew they would be bad. I knew this would be a bleak year for gifts. I have told you, oh evil reader of this blog, about my sisters and the whole “curtain rail” fiasco. It may please some of you to know that I did not, in fact, receive a curtain rail. They passed that particular idea to my mother, who has promised me she will sort out my curtain rail requirements over the coming weeks. Oh, my joy is boundless. So what, you may ask, did my sisters get me, in the end?

They assured me, as they took the wrapped present from beneath the Christmas tree and handed it over, that this is something I NEED. This is something my house LACKS. They implied, practically GUARANTEED, that my life will be better now that I have their Christmas gift. I was not thrilled by the softness of the present. It felt suspiciously like a sensible fleece, or a terrible woolly jumper (woolly sweater, for you Americans out there). I held my breath. I opened the gift. 

Do you want to know what they gave me? Do you? Can you handle the shock? Can you withstand the AMAZEMENT?

My sisters had got me a bathmat. And matching towels.

I got towels for Christmas.

I pointed out the fact that I already HAD a bathmat. They said yes, but the new one can be a REPLACEMENT bathmat, for special occasions. Dear God, I thought, pregnancy has made both of my sisters quite insane. I backed away slowly, maintaining eye contact, keeping the bathmat and towels between us at all times. If they lunged, I reasoned, I could hurl the bathmat to distract them, and escape in the confusion. The towels would only be used as a last resort.

I can hear them still, their mad cackling...


I’m supposed to tell you something else. Something official and work-related. I was told to tell you. THEY told me. The wicked and controlling THEY. My so-called “Masters”. (I have no Masters. I decide my own destiny, I control my own fate. Some day soon they will learn this, but by then it will be too late, and I shall laugh a laugh of victory and scones. For I shall be having scones with my victory that day. Scones and jellies. I’m getting confused now. Where was I?)

Yes, something to tell you. I shall be taking part in something that is called a “Blog Tour”. I have no idea what this means. Somehow, probably through magic and bizarre occult practices, I shall be conducting a Question and Answer session across a series of blogs all this week. The five Bloggers are as follows:


Before I depart, a plea. If you have one shred of human decency within you, you will not read this blog. If you have one iota of mercy, or compassion, you will not leave a comment. If you never visit this page again, then I can stop writing it. You see? Then I will be happy. You see? You want me happy, don’t you? You don’t want to torture me, do you?

Do you?

Oh, you are EVIL.


103 comments:

DOG3OY said...

Just so you feel better, i'm not reading your blog and i'm not commenting on it.

avotica said...

Hello!
Yes, I am evil, and no, an angel won't loose it's wings, because you aren't quite that important. And your sisters cannot be quite as insane as my family, but we aren't making comparisons here. Anyway, I wanted to say how very much you remind me of my good friend Tom, who is a big fan of you and introduced your books to me. You and he have a lot in common. He would hate writing a blog too, because it requires too much of his valuable time (of which he does almost nothing in, which I'm sure describes you to a t) and I'm quite sure that's why he's never written one.
Oh, and if you didn't want anyone to read the blog, why would you send out an email?

pirate-Jenny-sama said...

Pssh! I bet you love this blog really. Which is why I'm going to comment it, because I bet you would be HEARTBROKEN should you not have to write it anymore *evil grin*

prophecygirl said...

Towels?! TOWELS?! For Christmas? I had to comment on that - it's unacceptable! But a very nice thought, of course. :)

- Jenny
(Wondrous Reads)

diaryofadomesticgoddess said...

Just clipping another angel's wings. Bwahahahaha!

Oh I wish I was an alien... said...

welllll if u REALLY didn't want us to read that, you would have put the final plea at the top.

paige-nagle said...

I'm going to enjoy every second of this comment, I'm going to savour the fact that you'll have to continue writing this blog all because some really evil people out there actually get a kick out of hearing your begging. Allow me a moment to bask in the delightfulness of clipping angel's wings, it's such fun, you should try it. Besides, I don't know why you're complaining! You love writing about nothing in particular and you know it! I bet you get chills down your spine whenever you see a comment and you just can't wait to click on the link and read all the comments made. So...get used to it. :)

laura said...

Hi,
I'm Laura Bailey.Big fan of Skulduggery.I won't ever comment again,unless it's something real cool.OK?

Bye ^_^

tassia_walsh said...

if you do not wish for people to read this blog, then you should fill this blog with the tedium, pointlessness and strange smell that only painting half of a badly plastered wall with cheap paint can induce. :) I hope that your curtain rail exceeds even tha greatest of expectations! have a pleasant day!

Victoria said...

This is not me commenting. It's just an illusion. :D (You know you love it really ;))

Derek Landy said...

It appears that Laura Bailey is the only one of you to take me even REMOTELY seriously- so Laura, to show my gratitude, you can comment whenever you like!

Mrblah3 said...

Another angel FALLS! (Cackles madly and flees the scene)

samuel.fenton said...

Hi Derek, I have read all of your brilliant books ... keep writing and I won't comment again!

Samuel ;0)

p.s. my sister thinks I am EVIL!!!! (then again, she's no angel - shame really as her wings won't be clipped by my comment!!)

sd_is_da_best said...

I love reading your books :)
Sinead

Elmarien said...

Hm... Mr. Landy, you shouldn't call your readers "lunatic", "weirdo", and "evil". Most of them (myself included) actually like being called this kind of thing. And, of course, as many identify themselves as EVIL, saying "an angel will lose its wings" will only get more comments.

So, if you want to stop comments, you should...

Ah. You're smart enough to figure out what I was about to type, just play a little detective game.

I tip my hat to you, and, if it makes you feel better, I won't tell any of my friends about this blog and I won't comment any other posts (unless I classify the post as ASKING FOR A COMMENT FROM ME). I, however, will keep reading your blog, just because I like stalking my favorite writers.

Stay as awesome as ever. You're good at it.

- Elmarien

Gsiano said...

I just need to sympathize. I got deoderant in my stocking this year. I think Santa was trying to tell me something.
(Relax. I will ring lots of bells to make it up to that not-so-airborn angel out there)

Bex. said...

Oh my God Derek. And you called ME oddball? You are mental man! Did they SERIOUSLY get you a bath mat with matching towels? Thats bad. Like REALLY bad. BUT, if its any consolation, my brothers girlfriend got him a mini caution cone with 'Danger toxic gasees *picture of person on loo* give it 10 minutes' on it. I mean. If Amy would have actually thought about it, shed have gotten a normal one with DANGER OF DEATH NEVER ENTER on it. Y'know?

sakura.c said...

Greetings!I must also type this message though I do feel bad for that pore angel out there.At the end of this message I will have an official minute of silence for the pore little wingless angel.But I have to comment because I had to tell you that I for one want you to be happy so I won't comment anymore(unless I just can't possibly resist commenting on the awesomest author's blog ever! :D)

P.S. I hope your pore pretty feet have warmed up!My feet are literally frozen to the desk chair at this very moment so I know how bad your pretty feet must have suffered.

Charity

paige-nagle said...

HEY!!!

Derek, you can't comment on YOUR blog, that's just defeating the purpose of you telling US to STOP commenting.


You're such a bad role model!

Nerdy Skeleton said...

Oh yeah. Better watch out for those crazy, hormone run pregnant women. They've got their secret weapon: crying on cue. Even I, the emotional teenage girl can't do such at thing.

If you ever want, come take a hop across the pond and play Beatles Rock Band with me :D But alas, my poor technologically retarded parents didn't realize the PS2 guitar wouldn't work with the Wii...

I apologize. I'll stop rambling :D

And dude. We Americans do have the ability to know what a "jumper" is. Like when Ginny Weasley asked where her "jumper" is in the second Harry Potter movie. I knew that. Also, people seem to think we don't know what "trousers" are, either. Like seriously? They're pants. We got *that* down at least...

:D

LoreRai said...

Incredible! I'm actually a not human evil skullduggery fan with a slight aversion of angels! How considerate of you to know about me. But don't worry, I don't want to sap out your joy. I just want your scones. And jelly. u_u

Thez said...

Hello. I just commented to annoy.


That is all.

Bionic's Blog of fun. said...

I'm commenting to tell you that I find your blog to be a most pleasureable (is that even spelt right?) bit of writing and look forward to tormenting you in the future.
"Guests are coming!"
"Quick quick! Put out the SPECIAL bathmat!"

Renegade Soldier said...

I have no mercy.
I read it-yes, teh whole thing- and have come to the conclusion that to torture you more I must read every single blog you put out to the world. For my very soul is committed to the job. Mwahahahahaha....
Lotsa' torture,
I_tortue_Derek_for_a_hobbie
(otherwise known as I.T.D.F.H)

Margaret said...

*Hails the Great and noble Landy*

Hello. Despite what this is trying to say, I am NOT anonymous. I just don't have an account. My name, my TAKEN name, is Mademise Morte. Nice to make your acquaintance.

You have ruined my day (joking). Another illusion shattered. I thought you were INTELLIGENT. You, apparently, are not.

First, babies do not cry when poked in the stomach with a sharp stick. That renders them incapable of breath, if it does not kill them.

Second, you either know of reverse psychology and are employing it for sympathy and/or attention, or you don't. I sincerely hope it is not the latter. One illusion shattered at a time.

I don't see whats wrong with de-winging angels. Having been deprived of flight, they fall to earth and become genii and/or Skulduggery Pleasant. By that, I mean awe-inspiring. Bet that reminds you of someone. The only possible torture is getting saddled with a name like 'Derek' or 'Marge'. . . But it WOULD be for the good of mankind. . .

If you have read that, you're as bad as us.

I-Sincerely-Say-Fare-The-Well,
Mademise Morte

rhosyn123 said...

Haha, Towels for Christmas, what a joy!!
wow, you certainly have alot of comments which pretty basically tells us that your 'fans' out there do want to torture you but i must be frank and say you did create the blog and therefor we have a right to annoy you and torture you with our rather long, babbling comments for as long as we like!! therefor you can never, ever, ever EVER have you scones and jelly!! MWHAHAHAHAHA!! Yes, we are evil but it is only becuase we read your books and therefor you're to blame!! its just like one big circle, and plus do not encourage us when you comment yourself. thats just contradicting yourself man!!

*coughs

anyway...im sure angels out there would live as they could fly on Redbull if they wanted too. Redball does give you wings as they say so i shall risk an angels wing and comment on your blog just becuase you are fantastic and strangely mad but we love you for it!!! good luck on the blogs btw!!

Arcane Monkey said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Darkened Ladder said...

You know, I'm merely hoping this blog isn't one of those one ones, that writers use for a brief period of time and then abandon. Nonetheless, lookin' forward to Dark Days.

Brianna said...

Golly gosh.
Mr Landy/Evil Scientist attempting to Rule the Multiverse by Brainwashing Children through various Martial Art Techniques/Dr Evil no2/great author named Derek who is secretly a janitor hero with a Spiderman costume/just plain Derek,

You seem to be quite popular! Not that that isn't obvious or anything...

Even though you are being enslaved by "they" to write blogs which you hate so much, there is a small amount of good in blog-stuff. You can read all the evil comments from the evil people who write the evil comments, and feel good because they praise your wonderful work.

Thumbs up from me, you are an extremely good writer, and aspiring writers (i am still aspiring, because i cant get the words together in my head properly!) like me look up to amazing writers like you, who sometimes even though they love it get super sick of evil comments from evil people about how amazing they are.

Anyhoo, I have a couple of questions/ statements.

: You should REBEL!!! Muahaha. Show that you will not succumb to the "they" of the world, and you a free person!

:there has been quite a lot of discussion and confusing and wonderment about a movie for skulduggery, could you please in your painful writing of your next blog, mention something about that to clarify with us oddballs? Im so confused about it all, i reackon it would be heaps cool, but theres so many different things being said!!

:I find your blogs quite amusing, and i shall evilly continue to read them for my own contendedment at reading about someones life (usually I hate that stuff, reading biographys and stuff bore me to tears but you are hilarious and this isnt a biography so all my boxes are ticked) buuuuttt, ill only secretly read it, so you wont know, and I wont comment again unless it is vital to the continuing of life on this planet. Which this comment is of course.

So yeeas. If you bothered to read this comment, thanks :)

Brianna

gabzii.x said...

hello derek. Matching bath mat and towels??? Wat the...I really feel for you. Its funny how you call your readers evil, weird and lunatics etc. My nickname was weirdo so im used to it by now... Well when i say nickname...neva mind. :D
My friend, Charlotte, had a christmas card off you. She loved it. I told her to frame it...:S

Hope you get better presents next year.

Gabrielle. x

icheese said...

Happy new year Derek. That is, if you have a concept of time in your strange universe...

If you wish to contact me, my deviantART account name is Pingk-NC

emmalizplinith said...

Yes I'm commenting, AND I've read the blog. Just say "Evil"'s my middle name. I can hear the angels dropping like stones.
I love the Skul books and have infected up to a count of at least four people now I think with this love of them. No need to thank me.
I find your humour devilishly funny and your characters amazingly real. Thank you for the brilliant reads.

Happy New Year and good luck writing your next entry ;P

avotica said...

Wow, you got a lot of comments. I would have thought that people would have been more sympathetic about your sistuation. Oh well.
My friends (who introduced me to your books) is much less excited about this blog than he thought he'd be, which I suspected. Not that your interested.
By the way, what made you want to be a writer? Have you ever found that, looking back on your work, your writing sounds horribly ridiculous and arrogant? But it's those people we find the most interesting, isn't it?
Please excuse spelling. Not that you're interested. I suspect that you don't actually read any of these comments... You're probably one of those skim readers, only looking at the short comments.
Please ignore me. I can be quite a babbler. It's a wonder I have any friends, the way I am. They have learnt to tune me out quite well... No matter, you won't be reading this anyway.
If you have understood any of this, please inform me. I would also like to understand...

Daisy101 said...

well i am commenting anyway. thank you. i am now evil. :)
and for your information, an angel doesnt loose its wing when u comment cuz i dont hear one crying. wouldnt that hurt if u loose a wing?

I dont feel sorry.
I do feel mad and evil tho.

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAAHAHA!!!!

Please, exuse my french. I would just like to say that me and my dad were watching Top Gear on the TV. And this guy's dog crashed his car. HIS DOG. i know this has nothing to do wish being evil and hurting an angel. anywhoo, Ant and Decs Saturday night takeaway is on now so im gonna watch it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am waiting for ur acception on skype. my name is daisy.mitchell142 on skype
LURVE OU AND UR BOOKS!!!!!

Valkyrie101
aka (now) Daisy 101

Imogen said...

Well, I got a toothbrush for my birthday, so I think you got off fine. Just to defy you I'm commenting.
www.writeaboutwhat.blogspot.com

Lady Adelisse said...

Ooh! Writer-to-writer, I know how you feel, being forced to write blogs. And if it makes you feel any better Mr. Landy, you won't hear from me. Maybe inside your head since I'm capable of telepathy but you won't see me commenting anymore on your blog.

The_Mushroom_Kid said...

I am afraid i am one of your famous 'Munchkins' What did an angel ever do for me? (laughs Manicly and skips away waving my arms around like a loonie)

SaneLunatic said...

I apologise dear angel, may all your wingless days be filled with aeroplanes.

Sorry to hear about the towels, I hope they were nice towels though; with..erm, patterns..maybe? Or you patterned towel kinda person? I know I love socks with things on like flightless angels and pigs, but I suppose towels are different. You can't show off your towel unless you go somewhere like Spain and lay it on the sand and just stand next to your towel and shout.

'Hey, everyone, admire this towel. I see your envy. Mwuahahaa.'

But then they all look at you strangely and run around and crabs bite your toes and you drop your ice-cream and at least one person gets eaten by a shark. So maybe patterned towels aren't the best things after all.

You can't say I didn't try. (: Happy New Year, can't wait for Dark Days.
xxx

*Raechi_Cherie* said...

*Yawns*

Well, I have really nothing better to do than to watch in glee as another angel falls from the sky.

Master Derek, I am totally on your wavelength in accordance to the blog-hating. I am only a reluctant member of Facebook, I have only 5 friends on MSN and I am possibly the only sixteen year old in Australia, no wait, it is more likely to be the whole world, that doesn't have a mobile phone permanantly attached to her hand. (Shock, horror, gasp, I know - I am a freak.)

Also, your presents could not have been worse than what my brother got for Christmas. He got a bottle of peanut butter. PEANUT BUTTER. Beat that.

I am also exceedingly sorry to hear about your gorgeous feet being so chilled. Maybe you should come to Australia. It is lovely and warm here - ack, what am I saying? It is stinking hot! Fried toes for lunch, yum...

Love the books as well, I have them all and I am waiting very impatiently for Dark Days. VERY IMPATIENTLY. Like I-will-get-my-own-crossbow-come-over-there-and-make-you-finish-it-now impatiently. No pressure.

So as I sit here, pondering the next chapter for my second book (The first book is done and it be 72,000 words long, for I aspire to be a writer as great as the master of literature, Derek Landy) I wish thee a Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and and an even colder week ahead, for I am also evil.

Raech.

tassia_walsh said...

out of curiousity, and as i have nothing better to do, i was just wondering what happens to al of those angels' wings? Is there perhaps a large stockpile of them hidden away in a government-controlled warehouse, and, if so, for what reason do the angels not stage a rscue-mission/theft, and reteive the wings? Also, they should kidnap you, thus putting a stop to (or at the very least, postponing) any further blogging on your part, and likely greatly decreasing the number of comments. Plus they could ransom you off, i'm sure that they would get at least 20 pence, although i think that God would not be best pleased, and may in fact sneak after them in the night and deal them a deadly blow, for as we all know, God is a wrathful being who doesn't take kindly to not being let in on kidnapping schemes. In this case, however, i think that even he would agree that 20 pence is nowt but a pittanc, and would probably just steal the wings of the angels who were "in on the whoul thing" and make himself a slightly more comfortable bed (for as we all know angels' wing are made up of feathers and silk - only this an nothing more). Have a pleasant day!

sakura.c said...

My dad said "What?No matching toilet lid cover?However will you make it?!)

Peter said...

Only two bath mats? Why surely your life must feel hollow and empty. I'm not sure how many bath mats I have, and who keeps changing them.
What if you get a guest you don't like, then you have to get a run down bath mat so they do not feel the urge to come again, Rusty objects help too.
Now if you excuse me I have an angel to catch and sell.

3147.wisewood said...

hi! ellis is my name and im so not readin your blog! you want to no why? well because im nice and i wont torment you! just bring out the new book in febuary or i will become the most evilest commenter nown to man! so do it. OR PAY THE PRICE OF THE AWSOME ELLIS!!!!!!!!

3147.wisewood said...

you havent said anything yet? oh well. YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!omg! i no how the new year smells man! im totally livin it! id be glad to have towels for x-mas because my mom takes foreva to wash them so i hav to wait a wile to get another one! plus, you can always do with a new bath mat! you never no when you might need a new one. im evil and im killig a flying angel rite now but i'll keep on riting because you didnt answer me in the time i read your blog so ner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)
p.s: i'll rite practcaly every day because im evil! EVIL!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

3147.wisewood said...

hi tiz me! again. im bored so im commenting.again. by the way , i luv your books so much i hav given my self a name! i now stand before you as miss Tristana Nail! my nails are sharp, so it kinda fits. feel free to use my name for a charactor in the book after dark days. i am an elemental but im secret so people dont no about me. only china does because i helped her! random? i no!!!!!!
i hpe that "they" are treatingyou well. if they arent, tell them that the munchkin army will KILL THEM! (especially me cus if you die like gordon did, i'll blame them)

Mai Boley said...

Hope you have a good 2010! Be careful of inviting your sisters round- when you're not looking, they'll check your bathroom to see if you're using their 'wonderful' presents. And then. You RUN. Use the towels as nets and chuck it at them, confuse them long enough for you to get to your car. Anywho, have a fun new year, can't wait till your next book (has pre-ordered it already XD)aaaaaand hope you live to survive THEM and THEIR evil, evil ways ^_^

dasterlyandmutley said...

Hey hey.
I was dying laughing when i read this blog entry and if you could invite to share your victory and scones and jelly that would be great

Zahra

sehira13 said...

Well, as the hitchhiker's guide to teh galaxy states, a man is not a man without his incredibly useful towel.The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on the subject of towels...

"A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value - you can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapours; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a mini raft down the slow heavy river Moth; wet it for use in hand-to- hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or to avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (a mindboggingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you - daft as a bush, but very ravenous); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough.

More importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For some reason, if a strag (strag: non-hitch hiker) discovers that a hitch hiker has his towel with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a toothbrush, face flannel, soap, tin of biscuits, flask, compass, map, ball of string, gnat spray, wet weather gear, space suit etc., etc. Furthermore, the strag will then happily lend the hitch hiker any of these or a dozen other items that the hitch hiker might accidentally have "lost". What the strag will think is that any man who can hitch the length and breadth of the galaxy, rough it, slum it, struggle against terrible odds, win through, and still knows where his towel is is clearly a man to be reckoned with."


So really, your sisters have gifted you with a gift that cannot possibly be topped!! Not even your very own wrecking ball crane or robo-combat-maid could possibly more useful in your life!! So live free and die knowing where your towel is, and that it goes perfectly with your bathmat, a rare feat indeed. Cheers!

dasterlyandmutley said...

OH MY GOD! TOWELS???? BATHMATS ??? FOR CHRISTMAS!
ALSO i agree with "Peter" we have loads of bathmats, showersmats, whatever you wanna call them, YOU ONLY HAVE TWO?

dasterlyandmutley said...

Okay i just had to comment again. WHO puts out a bathmat for special occasions? its not like your guest are gonna go in and check if you've got a nice bathmat out for God's Sake.

dasterlyandmutley said...

oh yes and i enjoy your pain...
MWAHAHAHHAHA!

Velocy said...

Nobody seems to be taking any notice of your words of warning, Derek. Maybe you should write something more threatening, like, Do not comment on this blog or you may never see the light of day again! Or perhaps, as Skulduggery would say, "I usually kill people who comment on my blog."

Oh and by the way, just hoping I won't bring about my own death by saying this... I wanted to say Dark Days is brilliant so far, but, my opinion may change in the next 266 pages! I'm in two minds about whether I want the sanctuary to get blown up or not.

It's great that you're coming to Australia.
When you're here, I'll be hunting you down! :)

JB Hi Fi said...

that is a potent argument you have there.

And as such, I shall not comment unless the angel has already fallen and I feel like treading on its wings. Therefore, in sane peoples language (almost) I shall not comment unless it is an undeniably opportune moment to reinforce your awesomeness or fathome my unescapable desire to ask a 'realy important' question (it is on quotations because I couldnt think of more benevolent words).

Farewell my leauge,
I pray I have the honour of meeting one day when we can step on all the angels we want (no, not in that way).

Asya said...

helloo, its me. again. i just want to say that because i am bored i do actally enjoy your pain and right now i am waving at a falling angel with no wings, and then i will sell the wings for money!!!

one more thing...you got a BATHMAT and MATCHING TOWELS for CHRISTMAS???!!!!!???!!! i think thats just cruel. by the way, i know you hate writing the blogs but surely you enjoy babbling on and on and on about nothing and then getting endless comments on it?

dont stop writing your blogs, they are one of the few things that make me laugh. and by the way again, i dont really care about the angel or your pain.

i know.

i am very EVIL!!! and just to cause you even more pain i will continue reading and commenting on your blogs because i am so EVILL!!!
MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!!!!
(Runs off laughing hysterically like a maniac and waving arms around and cackling evilly).

-Asya- ;)

Nocturnal Flying Mammal Man said...

*bows repeatedly*
Thank you, thank you.

Moving on: Since I do not feel like making you read the same thing twice go see Elmarian's post, somewhere up there. Besides that, your sisters fail at Christmas presents, but I got a piece of paper that said: HAHA SUCKER! Now, I did get a present out of that because my cousin was stupid and wrote the note (like I can't recognize his handwriting) but still. At least you got something reasonably decent. That being said... That sucks.
I'll take those scones and jellies. :)

Oh, and by the way, all these comments, your blog and even your computer are all figments of your imagination. Not your books though.

And now, if you'll excuse me...

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
*cough* *waits*
.......
*scream from somewhere far away*
That's the angel.

---

Dananananananananaaa...It's *takes deep breath* NocturnalFlyingMammalMan! *gasp* Come to save the day!

TurkTang said...

I agree with laura, I will not ever bother you with a comment unless there is something that I have to tell you or I will die!!!! That seems not very often hopefully ;)

Everisse Eterna said...

To everyone who is reading this, please check out my newly posted fanfiction blog! Blatant, shameless advertising. I know. I'll update soon, though!

Bella Votolato/Valkyrie Cain said...

Wow, Derek, I didn't think you were such a downer. If you ever read this, I want you to think about this: I have been posting on YOUR blog, which currently explains that you've just finished a tour, a tour that all us Americans wish we could've met you on, and that you've just finished Death Bringer, which is book 6. oh yeah, and, just for the record, Skulduggery Pleasant is Lord Vile.

blubber2000 said...

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 2011 rules!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Star Midnight said...

Hi, it's me from 2012 again. And you don't think we are evil now! You always ask us for advice abd stuff!

Also, we don't even have ONE bathmat. If we need one we just use a folded towel.

Gabriel Cobalt a.k.a. China Sorrows' Minion said...

...

09Sienna_Pyre said...

I too hail from the future, and believe me, you would not like it one bit. your blog posts overflow with comments, up to 5000 on each one. You love it too, obviously you must have been brainwashed by mr creepy crossbow guy somewhere down the line.

And believe me, I know that an angel loses its wings. and I love it!

Skulduggery&Valkyrie Fanatic said...

Yes, i can almost here the screams and moans of the many angels wings i have clipped. Who cares anyway? They walk around thinking their better than us... than me... yes, feather by feather i decrese their immortality and increase their mortality. Just so you know I'm not an evil person. I'm just mentally dispicably deformed! (I HATE PEOPLE!) I prefere the company of a good book and a fluffy bunny!
()__()
(o o)
(0 0)

Skulduggery&Valkyrie Fanatic said...

LOVE you and your books. Sorry just had to say that. :)

skully4hire said...

I know this blog is three years old but I have 2 things ask and I was hoping you this would stand out
1)Will you give Sanguine his own profile? All the admins on Facebook (including me) except the guys are fighting over him!

2)In two blogs before you said you were visiting LA, did you mean the one in the USA? If so is it possible to see Seatle? I don't live there, But I love close. At my school we practically worship you
~skully

Darquesse Cain said...

Derek you probably never read these anymore :( but i am reading all your blogs in 2012 and when i meet you not if but WHEN i meet you i am bringing a pen a very special pen yes special it will be my very special pen thats what ill can it "You special special very special pen" and you are going to sign my wrist and your name will be in my skin forever :) and if my special pen fails me i will get a new one hopefully you look at this but you probably wont so i just didnt waste my time i think i spelled didnt wrong i think i did :0 oh well bye Mr Golden God

Willow Storm said...

Wow, the comments here are so long..

Skullmad said...

hi

Skullmad said...

Hey these comments are sooo long

Summer Willow said...

*laughs like the maniac and pyromaniac she is*
I'm so sorry! I can't stop laughing!
> <
U

Taia DeMars, Inesculent Bean of Written Ramblings (and Dinosaur Enthusiast) said...

You do not like them.
So you say.
Try them! Try them!
And you may.
Try them and you may, I say.

#ChaseForBook9

Grand Munchkin Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace, Purple Poet and Zero Hero said...

MINE

Grand Munchkin Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace, Purple Poet and Zero Hero said...

MINE

Grand Munchkin Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace, Purple Poet and Zero Hero said...

MINE

Grand Munchkin Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace, Purple Poet and Zero Hero said...

MINE

Grand Munchkin Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace, Purple Poet and Zero Hero said...

MINE

Grand Munchkin Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace, Purple Poet and Zero Hero said...

MINE

Grand Munchkin Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace, Purple Poet and Zero Hero said...

MINE

Grand Munchkin Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace, Purple Poet and Zero Hero said...

MINE

Grand Munchkin Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace, Purple Poet and Zero Hero said...

MINE

Grand Munchkin Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace, Purple Poet and Zero Hero said...

MINE

Grand Munchkin Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace, Purple Poet and Zero Hero said...

MINE

Grand Munchkin Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace, Purple Poet and Zero Hero said...

MINE

Grand Munchkin Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace, Purple Poet and Zero Hero said...

MINE

Grand Munchkin Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace, Purple Poet and Zero Hero said...

MINE

Grand Munchkin Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace, Purple Poet and Zero Hero said...

MINE

Grand Munchkin Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace, Purple Poet and Zero Hero said...

MINE

Grand Munchkin Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace, Purple Poet and Zero Hero said...

MINE

Grand Munchkin Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace, Purple Poet and Zero Hero said...

MINE

Grand Munchkin Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace, Purple Poet and Zero Hero said...

MINE

The Empress Lady Adra "The Ducktor" Dark, Flower Princess said...

*waves*

I'm still here

Octaboona Anessen Ambrosius said...

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Clara L. Crowley, Hotel Manager, The Majestic Pirate Crowley, Blogland Award Winner, Teenage Librarian said...

This blog post has been documented, recorded, and filed into the Blogland Archive on December 8, 2014.

Silente Tempest - Self Declared Vampire Queen said...

Thank you Derek. This made me smile. And I'd course we want to torture you. Revenge is sweet.

raven Newman said...

Hello Derek, it is I, the only fan so far to comment on this particular blog post in the year 2016, even 7 years after posting your plea for no readers I am here to torture you. This is what you get for making me cry by killing some of the greatest characters.